


I’m thinking that it must be love

by alecgbane



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), Mentions of homophobia, Mutual Pining, Pining Sirius Black, Slow Burn, mentions of physical abuse, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-14
Updated: 2021-01-14
Packaged: 2021-03-12 01:09:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28751949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alecgbane/pseuds/alecgbane
Summary: 1978 - Sirius spent his last summer holidays at Remus', which would have been fine if it wasn't for this extremely huge crush he was harbouring for the other oblivious boy.A summer of adventures, handsome and confusing ginger boys and a lot of feelings.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 19
Kudos: 167





	I’m thinking that it must be love

**Author's Note:**

> Work title is from Station to Station by - as you may have guessed - David Bowie.
> 
> After all, our boys seemed to love him very much.

“I’m going to India this summer.”

James’ voice was low as if he were scared to use it. Sirius looked up from his Charms essay, in which he had been working for half an hour now and an annoying headache was starting to form thanks to it. The bespectacled boy was staring at him warily, a soft blush spread across his cheeks.

“That’s cool!” Sirius exclaimed, setting his blue quill on the table. He did not notice the ink stain it was leaving on the mahogany table.

“It’s just… mum told me she wants you to come, as well as dad. But… our family there…”

Sirius blinked. “Spill it out, Prongs!”

Remus was boring his eyes on them now, the muggle novel on his hands long forgotten. Sirius made a note to ask for it later, the title catching his attention for a short moment.

“Well, my family there don’t really know you and they… don’t have the best opinion of the Black family.”

“Oh.” It was all Sirius said. He looked away, posing his grey orbs on two first-year girls casting some kind of spell that made bright, green sparks appear on the tips of their wands. He ignored the sharp pang on his chest or the sole, cold droplet of sweat going down his neck. He also feigned not noticing Remus, whose intense gaze was on him, as if he wanted to see past him. “That’s fine, James! Don’t worry.”

The heat on his voice appalled him and James’ eyes widened, apparently taking notice of it, too. “I’m so sorry, really! I’ve already asked my parents if I could stay, you know? You don’t have anywhere to go…”

“He can stay at mine.”

Remus interrupted James, who jumped and stared surprised at him, apparently having forgotten he was there at all. Sirius ogled at him, his mouth a little open. “I can?” Sirius asked, shakily.

Remus threw them a smile and there was such warmness on it, Sirius felt all the air leave his lungs. “Of course you can. I have to ask my mother if she is ok with it, but she’s wanted for any of you to come over for so long, I’m sure she’ll say yes.”

Sirius heard James sighing in relief and some of the tightness of his chest also left him, he noticed. A smile crept his face and Remus twinned it. “Thanks, mate,” said Sirius, softly. Remus shrugged and James moved next to him, enveloping the werewolf in a tight embrace.

“Lifesaver Moony, that’s what you are!”

* * *

The summer arrived too soon for Sirius’ liking and although he was nothing but excited to spend the whole summer at the Lupin’s, the memory of James’ words became impossible to not think about at a time like that. Sirius knew James meant no harm and that Euphemia and Fleamont honestly wanted him to tag along, yet he also understood why it was not the best idea.

The Black family was not well seen by families like the Potter, not fond of pure-blood supremacy. Sirius was used to carrying the weight of his surname, even if he knew he was more similar to Fleamont Potter than to Orion Black, yet he was not so accustomed to the people he loved judging him, in some way, because of it.

The trip to Remus’ house was pleasant enough. They took the train and the trip lasted forty minutes, which actually felt like ten with Hope, Remus’ mother, telling him all kind of hilarious stories about his friend when he was a little kid. Remus decided to tune out at some point, although Sirius was sure he was still listening whilst biting his lower lip with a flushed face.

“Lyall transfigured an old sofa into a bed, you can sleep there,” Remus said once they arrived and went directly to his room.

Sirius arched his eyebrows at the other boy calling his father by his name but chose to let it pass. The raven-haired boy threw himself on the new bed and moaned in pleasure as soon as his back touched the soft mattress.

“Glad it’s comfortable,” mumbled Remus with a tight smile. His voice was hoarse. Sirius stared at him, wondering what was wrong, yet in a second Remus’ expression went back to its usual, unreadable although kind at the same time one.

They fell asleep. After all, two train trips surely wore them out. Sirius dreamt of James and his relatives, looking at him with disgust. When he woke up, he decided he needed some fresh air. He climbed down the stairs and found the house empty. He walked as silently as he could towards the back door and opened it. A dark, starry sky welcomed him and he sat down on an old bench. Fifteen minutes must have gone by when he heard the sound of someone entering the house. Sirius went inside and found Hope, a bag full of groceries on her hand.

“Oh, dear. Are you ok?”

Sirius would never be used to middle-aged women talking so kindly to him, so it took him a few seconds to answer before he could trust his voice to work properly. “Of course, Mrs Lupin. I needed some fresh air.”

Hope nodded and set the bag on the kitchen table. Sirius walked to her and offered his help. “Is Remus up yet?”

Sirius shook his head as he put the bottle of milk in the refrigerator. “I didn’t want to wake him up.”

Hope smiled at him. “I’m so thankful for Remus having such kind friends. He talks greatly about all of you, but especially about you, Sirius.”

Sirius opened his mouth to respond at the same time Remus appeared on the kitchen, glaring at his mother. “Mum!” he rowed.

“Oh, I’m not lying, am I, young boy?”

Remus chose not to answer and instead patted Sirius on the back. The part where he did it tingled for a second and Sirius wondered what that was about. “You should have woken me up,” Remus complained, sitting down. Sirius followed suit.

Sirius shrugged his shoulders. “Nah, you looked like you needed to sleep.”

Hope slid two bowls of soup in front of them and they started devouring it, only now realizing how ravenous they were. They ate in silence and at some point Lyall Lupin arrived, kissing his wife on the cheek and sending both boys a stern nod to which Remus, who had suddenly become stiff, did not respond.

Once they finished eating, Remus excused himself and grabbed Sirius by the elbow, the latter thankful to walk away from the overwrought environment that had not been there before Lyall’s arrival. They went to Remus’ room, where the werewolf turned on a beautiful record player Sirius had not noticed before and suddenly a wonderful, male voice filled the bedroom.

_I, I will be king_ _  
And you, you will be queen_

“It was my grandmother’s,” Remus explained and Sirius knew he meant the record player. “She gave it to me when I came back from Hogwarts on First Year, said it was to not feel alone when I was back home.”

_Though nothing will drive them away_ _  
We can beat them, just for one day  
We can be heroes, just for one day_

“Does it work?” Sirius asked, humming along with the melody. Remus did not answer immediately, instead, he reclined on his bed, closed eyes and a peaceful expression stuck on his face. Sirius wished they could stay like that forever, the harmony of the moment feeling too good and comforting to want it to finish.

Remus nodded, which elicited a small smile from Sirius. “Yeah, it does. But it’s nicer listening to it with a friend.”

A shiver travelled down Sirius’ body and the intensity of Remus’ gaze threw him off for a minute, making him unable to think straight. He hoped he had that ability Remus rarely used but when he would it was so effective. He could drive Sirius speechless with just a word or a look and although Sirius did not know why, he could not say he did not enjoy it most of the times. It was like their own language, one that was just theirs, not James’ or Peter’s too, but Remus and Sirius’ only.

Sirius knew that if it was their own language, he was supposed to understand it. He dismissed the thought.

“David Bowie, this is,” Remus informed him, pointing at the record player. Sirius decided he loved his voice and then Remus showed him the album cover and Sirius was awestruck by the beauty of the man in the black and white picture. “Handsome, isn’t he?” Remus agreed, as if he could read his mind.

Sirius could do nothing more than nod his head. He watched Remus close his eyes again, the long eyelashes fluttering against his freckled cheeks. Sirius was aware that he should not be doing this, he should not stare at his friend like that, so unabashedly and admiringly, as if Remus was a work of art worthy of being venerated.

“We could go to the centre tomorrow night, if you’d like,” said Remus once the song finished and another one started, its sax-driven verses engulfing them like a tight, warm embrace.

“I’d like that,” said Sirius, his own eyes closed now. The last thing he saw was Remus beaming at him. Sirius sighed contentedly. It was going to be a good summer, after all.

* * *

The village centre was rampant with youth when both boys arrived. Sirius wished he had brought a coat with him. Although they were in the middle of summer, the wind tonight was chilly and strong, sweeping the loose strands of his hair away from his face. Remus stayed close to him the whole walk, yet now that they had finally reached their destination their hands did not accidentally brush every now and then anymore. A strange wave of disappointment filled Sirius’ mind for an instant, but he dismissed the thought, disconcerted.

“There’s a small pub at the end of the street. I’m friends with the owner’s son so they’ll give us some beers even being underage.”

Sirius arched his eyebrows, thrown away at hearing Remus had other friends apart from the four of them. It was not jealousy, not per se, but the boy who had once, only being eleven years old, claimed he was not worth being friends with, now befriending people he barely saw was strange enough for Sirius to frown at the werewolf.

“Ok,” Sirius said instead, though Remus, who could read Sirius as an open book, surely supposed what was going on inside his mind.

The pub was, indeed, small, holding place to only five tables and a large bar in the back. As soon as they walked in, the bells chimed and a tall, ginger boy, who couldn’t be even a year older than them, grinned at the two newcomers.

“Oi, Romulus!” The boy shouted across the room, no one batting an eye at him. Sirius, in a confused manner, turned to Remus, who was smiling back at the boy with such giddiness that it made Sirius grunt.

They walked towards the bar and once there, Remus enveloped the other boy in a tight hug. Sirius stood there awkwardly until they let go of each other, finally acknowledging his presence.

“Who’s the pretty boy, you bloody moron?” Ginger asked with that broad, shaky smile that Sirius would forever associate with him, all whilst the latter was blushing like a ten years old girl.

“He’s a friend from school,” answered Remus, patting Sirius in the back. The black-haired boy, astounded, offered the stranger a small smile, which was returned.

“Oh, posh, isn’t he?”

“He’s not that bad!” Remus laughed and Sirius shot him a look of fury, which was responded by a soft smile from the werewolf, dissipating the ugly feeling from Sirius’ chest. “He’s actually my best friend, Matty. He is Sirius.”

Sirius saw understanding flashing across Ginger’s – Matty’s? – face. The boy stretched his hand and Sirius took it, the calloused palm sending shivers down his spine. “Oh, Sirius! I’ve heard many things about you!” Matty said, not letting go of his hand yet.

Sirius smirked. “Good things, I hope.”

Matty opened his mouth at the same time Remus threw him a firm look, shutting him up. Instead, the boy placed two large pints in front of them and winked a bright, green eye before leaving to take care of another customer.

“So, that’s your friend?” asked Sirius, taking a sip of the beer in his hands, welcoming eagerly the taste he had had only a few, furtive times of joyous trips to muggle villages along with James last summer. He shook his head, as to get his best friend out of his head. He was with Remus and that was the only thing he wanted to think about.

“Matthew, yes. I met him two summers ago and well… you met him, it’s impossible to carry a straight face with that guy.”

As time went by, the pub emptied until they were the only two remaining there, apart from the employees. Remus made no move to leave and Sirius was thankful, as he was having a great time drinking cheap, intoxicating drinks and humming to songs he did not know but still enjoyed. It was nice and different, so much different from their time at Hogwarts. Back in school, they were always in the move, too much energy and magic inside their bodies to stay still. Here though, in this tranquil village, in this cosy pub, Sirius wanted nothing but to make small talk with his friend, enjoying the sound of his slightly inebriated voice.

Matthew arrived in the middle of a conversation about kneazles and nifflers and which creature was better. They both quickly shut up and Remus moved for the ginger boy to sit down next to him. Sirius, across them, noticed they sat extremely close but chose not to comment on it. Matthew threw his arm around Remus’ shoulders and Sirius saw the latter relax into the embrace. Sirius threw the remaining content of his glass down his throat and held the table tightly, dizzy from the huge and sudden intake of alcohol.

“So, what brings you two here?”

Matthew’s accent was thick and Sirius supposed he was not English – Scottish maybe. He was handsome, with abundant red hair and green eyes and a strong figure. It was a weird, discomforting feeling the one deep down Sirius’ stomach – he was attracted to the boy yet at the same time jealous. It was strange, mostly because he did not understand what he was jealous of but also because those two feelings did not usually go together.

Being attracted to boys was not new to Sirius. He had accepted it long ago, back in Third Year, when he realized he wanted to snog Finch Pertinger, the lead singer of Dragons Tamers, a popular band in the wizarding world James loved to blast in their dormitory at late hours of the night every now and then.

But this was unusual, even incomprehensible, this odd need of kissing the boy but also muttering dark insults at him every time he drew closer to Remus, or caressed the back of his neck or had his hand most probably on Remus’ knee under the table.

At some point, Sirius was not sure when, they walked out of the pub. Sirius did not know where they were going but followed obediently. Matthew asked to stop eventually and walked inside a dark shop. Sirius and Remus waited outside, the store not being big enough to allow all of them inside.

Something caught Sirius’ eye and he sauntered toward the next shop. There, showcased in plain sight, stood a black leather jacket. It reminded him of David Bowie on the album cover Remus had shown him earlier and suddenly he decided he needed that jacket. Sirius looked around, trying to burn the location into his mind, determined to come back for it another day.

Remus was watching him, a warm smile in his mouth. Sirius returned it and went back to his side. Matthew appeared a second later, holding a pack of cigarettes in his hands. Sirius observed with wide eyes, in slow motion, as Remus grabbed one and put it between his lips, Matthew lighting it right away.

“You want one, mate?” Matthew offered him. Sirius hesitated but in the end, grabbed one with shaky hands. Remus, now holding the lighter, ignited it for him, his face too close to Sirius’, amber eyes boring into the grey ones. They held their gazes for what seemed an eternity until Matthew cleared his throat. “Shall we get going?”

Sirius knew where they were heading for now, recognising the way to Remus’ house. They arrived just when it started to mizzle. Once there, Remus told Sirius to get going, claiming he wanted to farewell his friend. Sirius complied but as soon as he walked into the kitchen, the idea of staying there overhearing became too tempting to ignore.

“So, I understand now. He is beautiful.” He heard Matthew say. Sirius wondered who they were talking about and why it made him squirm in place.

“Shut up,” Remus pleaded and Sirius could almost hear him blushing.

“He kept looking at you, all dreamy, y’know? And he kept throwing darts at me with those striking eyes of him every time I got a bit too close to you.” Sirius gasped, realizing who they were talking about but the depth of the situation escaping him. _Why are they talking about me?_ Sirius wondered, _what does Matthew understand now?_

“Go home, Matty, you’re drunk.” When Remus spoke, it sounded like his voice was made of glass, too fragile, almost broken.

“Kiss me goodbye?” Matthew said, mockingly. Sirius raised his eyebrows, that dark feeling in his chest coming back, and when he heard the evident sound of two sets of lips moving against each other, Sirius ran to Remus’ bedroom, his mind racing.

 _Fuck_ , Sirius thought, suddenly the reason behind the jealousy he had felt the whole night painfully clear, _I fancy Remus._

* * *

“It upset you, James’ family not wanting you there.”

The words were out of Remus’ mouth one lazy Saturday morning, both boys sharing a joint whilst listening to some old record of a muggle band Sirius did not really like, but it was worth the sight of Remus singing the lyrics with great enthusiasm. The sun hit Sirius straight in the face, the heat of July becoming too much to bear lately. Sirius observed the distant pond visible from Remus’ window, yearning gleaming in his eyes.

“Sirius,” Remus insisted and the animagus knew he could not avoid his persuasive friend forever, so he turned to him, their eyes meeting.

“Of course it did,” said Sirius. Remus sighed and stared at a far-off point outside. Sirius speculated if he was looking at the pond, too.

“But James didn’t notice. He thinks it’s ok.”

A bird chirped close to them and Sirius stared at it flying to the nearest tree before answering. “James is oblivious to most things.”

“But I’m not,” Remus stated and Sirius wished he could argue with him but the truth was that the werewolf could read him like an open book, like those Remus enjoyed so much. “So talk to me, Sirius. Most probably I already imagine how you feel.”

Sirius closed his eyes. When he opened them again, Remus was still staring at him, waiting patiently.

“Ok, yes, it hurt. I know it’s stupid because his family from India don’t know me and I don’t know them but… I hate this! I thought I had proven I’m nothing like them long ago, with being a fucking Gryffindor and hanging with half-bloods and muggleborns and dark creatures,” He saw Remus flinch at the term but was too invested in his monologue to apologize. “But then something comes along and destroys this idea that I’m nothing like them. Someone says something like “Oh, I don’t trust you, you are a Black” and suddenly I’m wondering what if they are right not to trust me? What if there is something wrong with me? What if sooner or later I’ll go back to them?”

By the time he finished, Sirius was breathing hard and the birds on the nearby trees were gone, probably scared off by Sirius’ mental collapse and shouting. Remus did not answer immediately, which annoyed Sirius, who was expecting his witty friend to say something inspirational, anything that cheered him up.

“Do you think me being a _dark_ _creature_ makes me inherently bad?” Remus spoke after several minutes of excruciating silence, spitting the term Sirius earlier used heatedly. Sirius shook his head, dumbfounded. “Do you think that one day I’ll wake up and be evil? Just because I’m a werewolf?”

“Remus—”

“I’ve learnt it the hard way, Sirius, but neither your condition nor your illness nor does your fucking surname make you who you are. Your decisions define you. The second you chose not to ask the Hat to put you in Slytherin, you became your own person and not the one your family was moulding you to be. And believe me, I know it sucks, but there is always going to be prejudiced people. People who will see you for nothing but a Black or me a werewolf. Learn to live with it, I’ve done it and it’s better than sulking. After all, we both have friends and family that love us for who we are, don’t we?”

“Your father doesn’t,” Sirius had never wished to have a Time-Turner more than he did now, when the words were already out of his mouth and Remus was flushing as red as his curtains. “Sorry.” He offered lamely.

“No, you’re right. I knew you’d figure it out,” Remus said, an almost indiscernible hint of sadness looming in his voice. “My father pretended to be ok with… _me_ for a long time but deep down I always knew he would never accept me.”

“Has he… Has he done something to you?”

Remus shrugged his shoulders. “We often get into fights but nothing physical. I think he is afraid of me.” Sirius snorted and Remus shook his head, looking up at him with wide eyes. “He is right to be. I feel that if I ever let the werewolf take control of me… I— I feel like the werewolf would want to get him.”

The confession hovered in the air, suddenly the room felt hotter and smaller than a few seconds ago. “You blame him,” said Sirius with a choked sound.

Remus took a long drag of their neglected joint before responding. “I know it’s stupid. If he had known what his words were going to cause… It’s not even his fault that he thinks the way he does, he was taught to do it. All of you are. Even me. But I still wonder… I wonder how different my life would have been if he had just shut up, y’know?”

“What if… What if not being a werewolf resulted in us not being friends? Would you want that?”

“Yes,” Remus answered after a moment of thinking. “If it meant not being a monster, yes.”

* * *

The next time they saw Matthew was two weeks after their first encounter, three days prior to the Full Moon. Sirius and Remus were hanging out in the backyard, taking advantage of the empty house, music so loud Sirius was surprised no neighbour had come to complain and a bottle of old, delicious and bitter whiskey passing from one to the other.

They were talking, Sirius was not quite sure about what, too lost in the gentle sound of Remus’ voice and the giddiness perpetuated by the alcohol in his veins. Then somebody called Remus’ name out and it took Sirius a few minutes to realize he knew that voice. Matthew walked, as if it were his home, toward them and Remus jumped, a stupid, wide smile set in his face.

“Hi, posh boy,” said Matthew to Sirius with a sympathetic smile. Remus laughed and Sirius tried with all his force to not let out the grunt he was holding, to no avail. “What are we drinking?” He asked, taking the bottle from Remus’ hands.

“What are you doing here?” inquired Remus, his eyes never leaving the other boy. Sirius wondered if they would notice him sneaking out inside the house.

Matthew’s face darkened. It was almost unfathomable but Sirius saw it and he was sure Remus did too, for his semblance became stern as he walked closer to Matthew, a hand resting comfortingly on his broad shoulder.

“Had a fight with dad,” he said, and then took a large gulp of the muggle whisky, not even flinching. “Said I don’t work hard enough and then the jerk said if I kept flirting with the customers I was going to end up a rent boy.”

Sirius’ mouth fell open and Remus was quivering, most probably with rage. Matthew took yet another mouthful of the liquor. “Fuck ‘im, am I right? If he is a crabbit lad, not my fucking fault.”

Remus tightened his hold on Matthew’s shoulder before letting his hand fall down. They sat down, Sirius awfully uncomfortable but at the same time Matthew’s words resonating in his mind. Remus and the other boy chatted languidly, Sirius offering a comment every now and then. Matthew suddenly got up and took his shirt off, startling a laugh out of Sirius and Remus.

“Race you to the pond, dobbers!”

The night was warm, a bit too much, in Sirius’ opinion, so Matthew’s suggestion came as no surprise. Remus grinned and raised his eyebrows at Sirius, running after the other boy. Sirius obliged and thanked Merlin the pond was so much closer than it appeared to be from Remus’ bedroom window.

Matthew was already on the water when he arrived and Remus in the process of taking his dark denim trousers off. Sirius looked away and locked eyes with Matthew, who winked at him. Sirius thanked it was night-time and that there was not much light in this side of the village, which hid his blush fairly well.

Now the three of them inside the pond, Sirius was enjoying himself, splashing cold water at the boys every time they got distracted, starting a war that left them breathless after several minutes. Remus was unstoppable, too much energy pent up in his body so close to the moon, Sirius imagined. He kept swimming and at one time he swam further than ever, his silhouette a mere dot in the distance by then. Sirius did not notice Matthew coming towards him until he felt a hand on his ribcage, which made him jump back.

“I meant it, posh boy, you are pretty.”

And then Matthew was leaning in and Sirius imitated him, driven by the same stupid, reckless side of his brain that told Snape how to enter the Shrieking Shack. Matthew, encouraged by Sirius’ actions, pressed his mouth against his and then their lips were moving hungrily, the feeling of Matthew’s cold tongue piercing against his making him groan. Something exploded inside Sirius and he pondered if this was what a first kiss felt like. Not that it was actually Sirius’ first kiss, but it was the first one with a boy and it felt different, good different, as if it was what Sirius was meant to be doing all along.

The blissful moment was over as soon as Remus crept into his mind. Sirius panicked, his body and mouth still pressed against Matthew’s. What would Remus think, if he arrived right now and saw his best friend and his… boyfriend making out?

His mind seemed to hate him because now he was thinking about Remus being in Matthew’s place. He imagined Remus’ plump, chapped lips against his mouth, Remus’ tongue playing with his, Remus’ sneaking hand hovering over his right nipple.

Somebody cleared his throat and Sirius pulled away, as if the other boy had burnt him. Remus, dripping hair against his cheeks, was staring at them with an expression Sirius could not read. He did not look mad but neither did he seem amused by finding them out in this compromising position.

“We should get going, it’s getting late.”

Sirius chose not to eavesdrop them when Matthew and Remus stayed outside this time. Sirius already suspected their farewell was not going to be as pleasant as the last one and he was not really keen on hearing what Remus had to say. He was sure he was going to get an earful as soon as Matthew had left.

Remus walked into the room when Sirius was about to get to his bed. He stopped mid-air, staring apprehensively at the werewolf. Remus smiled at him – an actual smile, the one Sirius liked so much – and the Animagus stared at him in disbelief.

“I’m sorry, Moony! I– I don’t know why I did it!”

Remus arched his eyebrows, the smile still set on his face. “Matthew is a prick, I apologize on his behalf.”

Sirius opened his mouth and then closed it, suddenly at a loss for words. “What?” he finally said. “Moony, aren’t you mad at me?”

“Why would I be mad?”

“Because… Because I kissed Matthew! And you are going out with him!”

It was Remus’ turn to stare at him, mouth agape, shock swimming in his eyes. “I’m not going out with him!”

“You kissed him!”

“You kissed him?” Remus spat at the same time with wide eyes.

Sirius ogled at him, not following the line of conversation anymore. “What?”

“You said you kissed Matthew. I thought– I thought he kissed you,” It was not an accusation but Remus’ voice was far from kind, it sounded broken and Sirius hated himself for it.

“He did but… I– I kissed him back.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know! It felt good at the moment and then I remembered about you and him–”

“We are not together,” interjected Remus, his voice low. “I have no idea how you know but yes, we kissed. It was not even our first kiss nor our tenth but we are not together. It’s… casual. Like you with all those girls back at school. Well, the only difference is that we remain friends after all the kissing.”

“Oh,” Sirius said and why on Earth did Remus have the ability to render him speechless in the exact moments he needed his voice the most?

“Sirius, Matthew is a bloke,” Sirius frowned at him and hoped his face expressed the _“duh!”_ bouncing inside his head. “You said it felt good, but he is a bloke.”

“I guess…” Sirius started and took a deep breath before going on. “I guess you found out about my secret.”

Remus paled and his caramel eyes got even wider than they already were. Then he smirked and Merlin, Sirius hated when he did that yet loved it so much. “Well, mine’s out, too. I guess.”

And then he walked to the record player and David Bowie’s filled the room, putting an end to their conversation.

* * *

_Dear Padfoot,_

_I wish I could say I’m having a fantastic time in India, but I’m not. We visit family members every day – I didn’t know I have so many of them – and I get my cheeks pinched all the time._

_I really miss you and the guys. I’m jealous of you, spending the whole summer with Moony and his mum’s delicious food! What are you two getting up to, by the way? I hope nothing good but Moony has probably kept you in check!_

_Write me soon, you bastard._

_Love and all that nonsense,_

_Prongs._

_P.S.: Did I mention I miss you all?_

_P.S. 2: I forgot the mirror at home, so don’t use it._

* * *

_Prongssss,_

_It’s been almost one month and it just occurred to you to write to me?_

_Moony and I are having an excellent time, thank you very much. You’ll think he doesn’t get into so much trouble here as he does at school, but I feel like someone kidnapped the real Remus and is impersonating him. We go to the centre almost every night and have a few beers – I have to admit I love muggle alcohol, so much better than Firewhiskey._

_I have a lot of things to tell you, but it’ll have to wait until we see each other in person. It’s very Sirius._

_I miss you too, although I’m glad you are getting your cheeks pinched and it is true that Hope’s food is remarkably delicious._

_I have to go, Moony wants to go to the pond._

_Keep getting your cheeks pinched,_

_Padfoot._

* * *

_Dear Moony,_

_As a reward for your great effort of enduring Sirius’ presence in the summer holidays, please find attached the most delicious chocolate of India._

_I miss you all a lot but I’m happy you two are having such a great time. I know Sirius was upset about my family, I’m not stupid, and so he really needed cheering up. And you needed someone to get you out of your house and off those books._

_I hope you keep being up to no good, as the great Marauder you are._

_Later,_

_Prongs._

* * *

_Dear Prongs,_

_You needn’t get me the chocolate but I still welcome it to my life as a priceless treasure. I’ll just have to make sure Padfoot doesn’t get to it before I do._

_I miss you and Wormtail too, but not as much as I miss sleeping without someone snoring like a fucking giant next to me. I already have to listen to all of you at Hogwarts – I was looking forward to a soundless holiday._

_Anyway, I’ll have you know that I get out plenty during summer when I’m not with you, I just never told you. Even more shocking, I have friends! Sirius is still pretty annoyed at that, although he is already making his own here. Maybe he’ll replace you._

_I have to go now, Sirius wants to go to the centre._

_Regards,_

_Moony._

* * *

“Did Wormtail write to you?” Sirius asked, watching the owl fly away with the two envelopes.

Remus took a piece of chocolate and put it into his mouth. Sirius followed every single move of his lips with his wide eyes. “At the beginning, but he said something about being _“busy”_ with a girl from his town, so I don’t want to interfere.”

Sirius roared with laughter and then stared at his friend with big, round eyes. The look was more Padfoot than Sirius and Remus, sighing, offered him a piece of the chocolate James had given him.

They were in the living room, the small TV in the middle turned on although none of them was paying attention. Sirius was sitting cross-legged on the floor, flipping the pages of his new Quidditch magazine that had arrived in the morning. Remus was reading a muggle novel about little women, according to the title of it. What could be so interesting about small girls, Sirius did not know.

Ever since _The Incident_ , as Sirius now labelled that terrible night in which Matthew had kissed him and then all hell broke loose, Remus and Sirius’ relationship had been, for putting it simply, _tense_. They would be laughing, planning pranks or listening to music, when suddenly one of them remembered something about that night and then they avoided each other like madmen.

Today was nothing like that, thankfully. Perhaps because Hope was at work and Lyall’s whereabouts were unknown, as always, and that allowed them to not pretend everything was alright.

Sirius wanted to talk about what happened and the things that were said. So, Remus likes blokes and Sirius does, too. Remus and Matthew are not together _together_ , and Sirius had to admit that made him happier than it should. That was all the information Sirius had gathered, but there were still many questions that had been left unanswered and Sirius was desperate for that to change.

“My uncle Alphard was queer, did you know?” said Sirius uneasily, shifting into place. Remus closed his book slowly and put it next to him in the sofa, then turned to face Sirius.

“Really?” Remus replied, eyebrows raised.

Sirius nodded. “That’s why… well, why he was disowned by my family. He refused to marry and then he confessed he was attracted to blokes.” Sirius sighed and Remus did not respond, inviting him to continue. “It happened when I was seven and I remember my mother sitting Regulus and me down and tell us how unnatural he was, what a disgrace my uncle was… And all I could think was _“what’s so wrong about it?”_ I guess now I know why I thought like that.”

“I wonder… if he knew. If he knew I am just like him. But he died before I realised so…”

Remus blinked at him and got down on the floor in front of him, their knees touching. Sirius repressed a shiver. “I told you I met Matty two summers ago, but actually the first time I saw him was a year before that. I went with Lyall to a store in the centre and there he was, talking really loud, with a white tank top and tight trousers. Lyall scowled at him and told me what a shame it was to have people like that boy in the village. Too bad, because a year later his werewolf son ended up fooling around with such boy.”

“I imagine your first impression of Matty might not be the best. But he’s helped me a lot, y’know? Every time I needed to run away from home because I couldn’t stand the presence of Lyall, I would go to him and he would know exactly how to take my mind off him. And it is not just because of the kissing. Many times we would just go somewhere secluded and hang out, talking or just being together. He kind of… reminds me of you, when you are at James’.” The words lingered in the thick air and Sirius wished he could think of a witty comeback, yet the last sentence still resonated inside his head. His throat felt dry and Sirius looked around in the failed search for something to drink. “He was my first, too. The one who made me realize I was queer.”

“He wasn’t the one who made me realise,” Sirius quickly prompted, as if it was important. “Finch Pertinger. I had a crush on him during Third Year.” It was not a lie, but still, Sirius wanted to say that Remus had made him realise. It was not exactly true, but his best friend was, after all, his first real crush.

Remus snorted. “The singer from Dragon Tamers, really?” Sirius shrugged his shoulders, face beet red. “Ok, I can see it. But knowing David Bowie now, who do you prefer?”

Sirius did not answer. Instead, he got up and started singing, off tune, his favourite verse from Life on Mars, Remus joining him soon enough, both smiling until it ached.

* * *

On August 31st, both boys decided the best way to end their holidays was going to the centre and getting drunk. Sirius had bought two Hangover Potions just to make sure the first day back at Hogwarts on their last year was not a nightmare and so they were set to go.

Ever since their conversation in the living room, everything went back to normal, although with an addition: now they both had someone to talk about their sexuality, as the two of them understood what they were going through.

Sirius was happy, there was no other way to put it. His crush on Remus still bothered him, but had decided to let it go, unless until they arrived at Hogwarts, where he was going to have his so needed conversation with James.

It had not occurred to him, until two days ago, that perhaps he should worry about how his best friend was going to react. Sirius knew James, he was loyal and as open-minded as a pureblood anti-blood supremacy teenage boy could be. He also knew Sirius was like a brother to him, yet homosexuality was something that often broke families and suddenly Sirius was scared. Losing James was something he never even thought about, as he always assumed the other boy was going to be there for him forever. After all, James was the same guy who accepted and was friends with a werewolf and with a Black.

Sirius’ head was a mess. He was thirsting for a beer.

Matthew was not working tonight and he saw Remus frown. Another man, probably Matthew’s father, as his hair was as ginger as the boy’s, smiled at them as soon as the bells chimed.

“Remus, my boy!” The man said and Remus returned the smile, although his is tense. Sirius nodded politely at him and soon two pints were in front of them.

They started drinking and suddenly Sirius checked his clock, the numbers taking a long time to focus, and he noticed it was already two in the morning. Sirius giggled and showed it to an equally hammered Remus, who slapped his arm away.

“No, you git! I’m showing you the time!”

“Fuck! It’s late! We should get going!”

They said their goodbyes, Matthew still nowhere to be seen, and left. They made the same way as the one they took the first time and Sirius pouted when they walked in front of the shop where the leather jacket had been, now replaced by a colourful, satin shirt.

They arrived at Remus’ and decided to apparate in his room. They were a bit rusty at it, as they had not done it much over the summer, liking to take walks to the village. They fell into Remus’ bed, unsteadily, Sirius on top of the werewolf.

Remus was breathing hard and Sirius could count his eyelashes if he felt like it, being so close. He noticed a new, small scar from last Full Moon and, despite himself, traced it with one hand, the other supporting his weight to not fall on top of his friend. Remus shivered but did not move, neither did he look at him with disgust.

Sirius gulped and his Adam’s apple bobbed. He noticed Remus following the movement with his wide, now dark eyes, which then set on his lips. Sirius leaned in but before he could do anything else, Remus’ lips were on his.

It was nothing like Matthew’s kiss – it was tenderer, shy even. But at the same time, it was everything Sirius wanted. He kissed back, his tongue pressing against Remus’ lips, which opened obligingly. Their tongues met each other and the sweet kiss turned into a hungry one, with Remus’ hands on his hair.

Remus flipped them and now it was him on top of him. Sirius moaned into his mouth and Remus arched his back, their erections pressing together. They both stopped, their mouths pulling away. They stared at each other with wild and darkened eyes. Sirius nodded, understanding that look from his friend and they went back to what they were doing.

Sirius groaned when he felt Remus’ cautious hand suspended over his groin. The raven-haired boy bucked his hips, his clothed member coming into contact with the werewolf’s palm. Remus stroked him over his trousers and then their bodies were flushed against each other again, grinding gracelessly until they found a perfect rhythm.

It didn’t take them long and soon Sirius was biting the pillow under him, muffling his screaming of Remus’ name. The werewolf finished last, rubbing against him with the last of his energies, whispering a chocked _Sirius_ in his ear as he came.

Remus collapsed next to him. The bed was not big enough for both of them, so they ended up with intertwined limbs. Sirius waited for his breathing and heart rate to go back to normal before he spoke, millions of questions swimming furiously inside his mind.

“Moony…”

“Yeah?” His voice was slightly hoarse and his hair rumpled where Sirius had tugged it.

“Remember that night, the one in which Matthew kissed me?”

Remus snorted and then said, “Yeah, Pads, of course I remember.”

“You were angry.”

“Aha.”

“I thought you were angry because I had kissed him. But then… Then you said you didn’t care if he kissed other boys. So… why were you so mad?”

Sirius felt Remus move in the bed, now facing him directly. Sirius stared at the ceiling, feeling exposed. Long gone was his bad-boy façade, now replaced by this expression of full vulnerability only his best friends had ever seen.

“I was mad because _he_ kissed _you_. I don’t care if he kisses other boys but you… I didn’t want him to kiss you.”

Sirius closed his eyes, a heavy breath escaping his body. He remembered the night he heard Matthew and Remus kissing and how it had felt. Sirius wondered if it had been the same for his friend.

“Why?” asked Sirius lamely, knowing the answer but still wanting to hear it. He wanted to make sure it was real, that it was not Sirius misunderstanding things, that tomorrow morning things were not going back to normal, but they were going to be the new normal, the one in which he could imagine kissing Remus as much as he wanted, sure that the feeling was reciprocated.

“Why?” repeated Remus, teasingly. “We just shagged and you are asking me why?” He stared at Sirius and saw the vulnerable look in his grey eyes, his smile dying in his lips. “Because I fancy you. And I know this was probably stupid because we are friends and who knows if it will work. But I don’t regret it, you hear me? I don’t.”

Sirius sighed in relief and suddenly there were tears in his eyes. They felt weird, mostly because he never cried, not even when he had been disowned, not even all the times he had been physically hurt by his family. But also, it felt weird because they were happy tears and Remus was wiping them away with his thumb, which only made Sirius shed more and more. The werewolf gave up and instead chose to kiss him full in the mouth, tenderly.

“I want to tell James. Can I tell him? I need to,” Sirius said, his voice low and nervous.

“Yeah, we can tell him together, if you’d like,” Remus replied, linking their hands.

“I’d like that,” Sirius said and then he quickly added. “I fancy you too.”

Remus laughed and it was music to Sirius’ ears. “Yeah, I figured it out.”

* * *

Two letters arrived the morning before they parted to King’s Cross. Hope appeared in Remus’ bedroom doorframe, a contemptuous look set in her face, which reminded Sirius of his friend when he had his doubts towards a maybe too reckless prank. It amazed Sirius how similar this woman and Remus were, although physically he was identical to Lyall. Yet every move or expression Hope made, Sirius had already seen Remus making them.

She handed one envelope to Remus, whose face paled when he took it and read who it was from. The other was given to Sirius, who expected to see James’ or Peter’s name on it, yet unfamiliar calligraphy reached his eyes and he read the name several times to confirm it was real and not just a trick of his imagination.

_Matthew._

Sirius ripped the envelope open, which fell to the floor. He cast a nervous look at Remus, who was sitting in his bed, a completely blank expression if it was not for his stormy eyes.

Sirius began to read.

_Posh boy,_

_It might surprise you, me writing to you but I still feel like it’s the right thing to do._

_I’m sorry about that night and I’ve never been sorry for kissing a pretty lad, so this apology actually means a lot, you know?_

_Remus was mad at me – still is, I think – and I get it. The thing is he doesn’t get why I did it: yeah, you are pretty handsome but I snogged your mouth off for him to see what you two could have. Don’t tell him I told you this, but the bloke is pretty infatuated with you. I think you are, too, but either you are too stubborn to admit it or you are still figuring it out, which I totally understand. Took me a while the first time I realized I wanted to kiss my male nanny._

_Anyway, I’m sure he’ll tell you but I had to leave England. This means I won’t be there when things get too hard next summer, so you’ll have to be with him. He can’t be alone, he thinks he can but as soon as he is, he loses himself. I’ve seen it – as I’m sure you have, too – and, trust me, it’s not pretty._

_Don’t tell him this either but I am in love with him and even though we probably won’t see each other again, I want him to be happy. And the only way I see that happening is if you two dobbers get your heads out of your arses and admit how you both feel. I’ve never met someone who deserved happiness more than he does._

_Take care of him. He is worth it._

_Regards,_

_Ginger._

Remus was standing behind him, reading the letter from over his shoulder. Sirius blushed, although he would have probably told him what it said later. He did not know what to do with all the information. It was lucky last night happened. If it had not, Sirius did not want to imagine what his reaction to Matthew’s words would have been.

“Remus—”

“He left,” Remus admitted with a choked sound. He was not crying but he looked as if he were in despair, his once bright eyes now sunken and the smile Sirius loved and wanted to always be there, now gone. His lips were pressed into a thin line before he spoke, his voice still as wretched as before. “He left and he didn’t even say goodbye.”

Sirius did the only thing he could think of and embraced Remus, who shook against him, wrapping his arms tightly around the Animagus. Sirius hid his face in the crook of his neck, inhaling his scent. He smelled of jasmine soap and ink, but there was also a faint trace of Sirius’ cologne, probably still lingering in his skin after last night. “What happened?” He asked, knowing too well that comforting words were not going to make it better but an attentive friend could.

“His father. He is just like Lyall,” Remus said, his face darkening. “They pretend loving and accepting their children to then give up on them as soon as things get a bit hard. Howard—” Sirius assumed that was Matthew’s father. “…didn’t make a big fuss when he came out but now that Matty was… being more vocal about who he is… He kicked him out.”

“Where is he now?”

“Scotland. He has an aunt there.”

“He’s not that far away! You can still see him!” Sirius said, animatedly.

Remus shook his head. “He says he doesn’t want anything to do with people from here.”

Sirius emitted a loud hum and asked himself if that was the real reason. Perhaps Matthew needed to distance himself from Remus, being in love with someone who did not feel the same way being too painful. Sirius gulped, only a day ago he was feeling something like that.

“I don’t want to come back, with _him_ , knowing Matthew won’t be here.”

“You don’t have to. You can come with me! I mean, I can’t live with the Potters forever, so as soon as we finish Hogwarts we can look for a flat together, here, London, Scotland, wherever you want. I have my uncle’s money, after all.”

Sirius talked excitedly, his voice coming out hurriedly. Remus broke apart from him, although his arms remained around Sirius’ waist. “Padfoot,” Remus interrupted, calmly. “We had our first kiss just last night and…”

“And our fist shag…” Sirius added, a smile tugging at his lips.

Remus ignored him, although his cheeks were slightly flushed. “…and you are asking me to move in with you?"

“This is not… This is not your boyfriend asking you to move in with him, this is your best friend for seven years, ok? It’s convenient for the two of us and, trust me, it will be amazing.”

Remus arched his eyebrows, his eyes regaining some of their brightness. “Boyfriend?”

Sirius blushed and looked away, hiding his face. Remus laughed and held a hand to his red cheek, locking their eyes. “Let’s see… why don’t you ask me out? We can go on a proper date at Hogsmeade and then we can talk about dating and living together, what do you say?”

Sirius smirked and nodded his face vigorously, kissing Remus. This kiss was sweet and slow, as if they wanted it to last forever. Once they broke apart, their breathing ragged, they stared at each other, smiling. Remus pecked his lips and then walked to his still open trunk and took something out of it.

“Here,” he said, handing it to Sirius. The black-haired boy gawked at the object, puzzled. “It’s a gift. Take it.”

Sirius obliged and the material felt cold at his touch. He gasped, realizing it was the leather jacket he had seen their first night in the centre. He put it on and grinned at his friend, eyes shining.

“Moony! You didn’t have to!”

“I saw how much you wanted it. And it is a gift to both of us, honestly. You look handsome in it.”

Sirius barked a laugh and Remus closed his trunk, leading the way downstairs, where Hope was waiting for them to accompany them to the Platform 9¾ for the last time.

* * *

The train was vibrant with students but Remus and Sirius were lucky enough to find an empty carriage. They sat down next to each other, holding hands under Remus’ discarded coat. Peter arrived soon enough and greeted both friends before telling them all about Hannah, the beautiful but ultimately heartbreaker girl from his village.

James arrived in the middle of Peter’s tale and looked at Sirius and Remus with narrowed eyes behind his glasses. Peter finished his story and Remus could feel Sirius in edge beside him.

“Nice jacket,” James said and Sirius smiled proudly, puffing his chest out.

“Thank you very much. It was a gift from our dear friend here,” Sirius told them, pointing at Remus with his free hand. Remus tightened his hold on the other one under his coat.

“So, had a nice summer, Padfoot? Moony?” James asked, suspicion written all over his face.

“Yeah…” Remus said, at the same time Sirius grunted:

“About that…” James raised his eyebrows, expectantly. Sirius kicked off Remus’ coat, revealing their joined hands. “Guess what.”

Remus shook his head, Sirius stared defiantly at their two friends, Peter screamed in victory and James looked as if he could murder someone while grabbing a shiny, golden galleon from his back pocket.

“Bloody hell, Wormtail. You won,” James mumbled. “I thought it was going to take this two jerks much longer to get together.”

Peter accepted the coin and held it high in the air, displaying it with pride. Sirius and Remus gawked at them with wide eyes and open mouths.

“What!?” The couple yelled at the same time.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed it! Remember, comments and kudos are ao3's currency.
> 
> Also, tell me if you'd like me to write their first date.


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